Being a mom has many ups and downs. For all of my moms out there, do you ever have those days that you wonder if you're really cut out to be a mom or is it just me? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...more than love them, next to my husband, they are my everything. I can't imagine my life without them...but sometimes I do remember what it was like before them...quiet, longer days, peaceful sleep. The last few days have been so rough, so long. Van seems to be going through another "rough patch" again. At this age it must be happening every few months or so, we really get a grasp on him and then we hit another bumpy road. It feels like he just pushes and pushes until he thinks I can't take anymore, then he'll push me one more time for fun. I feel like I say no about 100 times a day and that's even before Mike gets home. At least I can say Ava isn't so bad right now so I'm not tag teamed, yet...I feel like this is only months away.
The last 3 nights I have gone to bed with a headache and I just pray for release by morning. I know Mike gets tired of hearing about my "rough" days and I know he gets tired of seeing me at my wits end, but what else can I do? I feel bad that he gets the Becky that is left over after a rough day with Van and Ava. I know he says he feels bad and understands, but I never truly feel like he does...not that its his fault by any means. Sometimes I just feel like I'm fighting this battle all alone here in this house with the war set...2 (ok its really like 1 1/2) against 1...is that just the fate of a stay at home mom? Do you all feel like me or am I just cracking under the pressure? I know a couple of other young moms who went back to work because honestly they said they just went stir crazy spending all day with their kids. I thought for sure I'd be different and I'd be able to handle it...I've even thought wow I love my kids so much, how could I not want to spend every minute with them, how could I let somebody else spend so much time with them and see all of the things I'd be missing? I even feel guilty for typing this or even thinking it, but am I one of those moms that just can't handle being home with them? Are they not enough for me, or maybe just too much?
You know what's so weird...today's been a pretty good day. Ava's got a bit of a fever but she's still pretty functional and Van had a good morning at school so my morning was easy. On days like these when I actually have time to take a breath, I think...wow I've got the greatest job in the world...I get to spend as much time as I want with my babies, I get to watch them do almost all of their firsts (with the only exceptions being when I'm in the bathroom or some other random place), I get to hear Ava talk when she really wants to(she says nigh, night, hi, and I love you...well actually they're just renditions of the actual words)...but these are things I wouldn't want to miss for anything. I love knowing my kids better than anyone, knowing when they aren't feeling good, or when they have to go the bathroom just by looking at them. I love being around for every part of their lives. So on a day like today, I just have to look at all of the great moms around me who seem to have survived these crazy years and hope one day I'll be like them...looking back at these years and laughing or giving another young mom inspiration or hope.
Not quite waving the white flag yet,
B
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3 comments:
I feel for you, Becky. You are not alone...sometimes life with little ones feels like daily survival.
When I get bogged down, it helps me to think of the "eternal" lessons I am teaching Maddox. You are hiding God's truths away in your kids' hearts so that they can draw from it later. When you are telling Van "no" a hundred times a day, you are hiding in his heart God's value of respecting authority. The frustrating part (as you know) is when you feel like you've been working on a certain value for months and months, and it's just not sinking in. Take heart...you are doing the right thing. This work you are doing now will bless you again and again. Someday, you will clearly see your children acting out God's character in their own lives, and you will know that all of this frustration is worth it!
And when it really gets tough, call your friends and go out for coffee and chocolate!
Beatifully written Jenny! Becky, call me (and the rest of your SAHM's). We could all use a "coffee break." Trust me, you aren't in this alone. We ALL have those days, weeks, and even months. But we know that it's all worth it. And would you trust anyone else to teach your kids the morals and values that they need to be taught? You're doing a great job.
Just to let you know the real truth, it will never end no matter how old they are. As they get older it changes to something else and in a way, it can get worse. As they verbally can talk better and better, they will do and say a lot of things that you never thought your child would say. They won't like you and you will be the meanest mom in the world. But you have to stay strong and remember your their parent, not just their friend. I always tell my kids I am correcting them so they will be good people when they are older and because God tells me to. The more kids you have the more you will be outnumbered. Wait till they hit elementary school age, then junior high, then high school...AWWWWW! I'm scaring myself! Anyways, we all have those days and know how you feel. Some of us more than others. :) Hang in there!
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