Being a mom has many ups and downs. For all of my moms out there, do you ever have those days that you wonder if you're really cut out to be a mom or is it just me? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...more than love them, next to my husband, they are my everything. I can't imagine my life without them...but sometimes I do remember what it was like before them...quiet, longer days, peaceful sleep. The last few days have been so rough, so long. Van seems to be going through another "rough patch" again. At this age it must be happening every few months or so, we really get a grasp on him and then we hit another bumpy road. It feels like he just pushes and pushes until he thinks I can't take anymore, then he'll push me one more time for fun. I feel like I say no about 100 times a day and that's even before Mike gets home. At least I can say Ava isn't so bad right now so I'm not tag teamed, yet...I feel like this is only months away.
The last 3 nights I have gone to bed with a headache and I just pray for release by morning. I know Mike gets tired of hearing about my "rough" days and I know he gets tired of seeing me at my wits end, but what else can I do? I feel bad that he gets the Becky that is left over after a rough day with Van and Ava. I know he says he feels bad and understands, but I never truly feel like he does...not that its his fault by any means. Sometimes I just feel like I'm fighting this battle all alone here in this house with the war set...2 (
ok its really like 1 1/2) against 1...is that just the fate of a stay at home mom? Do you all feel like me or am I just cracking under the pressure? I know a couple of other young moms who went back to work because honestly they said they just went stir crazy spending all day with their kids. I thought for sure I'd be different and I'd be able to handle it...I've even thought wow I love my kids so much, how could I not want to spend every minute with them, how could I let somebody else spend so much time with them and see all of the things I'd be missing? I even feel guilty for typing this or even thinking it, but am I one of those moms that just can't handle being home with them? Are they not enough for me, or maybe just too much?
You know what's so weird...today's been a pretty good day. Ava's got a bit of a fever but she's still pretty functional and Van had a good morning at school so my morning was easy. On days like these when I actually have time to take a breath, I think...wow I've got the greatest job in the world...I get to spend as much time as I want with my babies, I get to watch them do almost all of their firsts (with the only exceptions being when I'm in the bathroom or some other random place), I get to hear Ava talk when she really wants to(she says nigh, night, hi, and I love you...well actually they're just renditions of the actual words)...but these are things I wouldn't want to miss for anything. I love knowing my kids better than anyone, knowing when they aren't feeling good, or when they have to go the bathroom just by looking at them. I love being around for every part of their lives. So on a day like today, I just have to look at all of the great moms around me who seem to have survived these crazy years and hope one day I'll be like them...looking back at these years and laughing or giving another young mom inspiration or hope.
Not quite waving the white flag yet,
B
Since we had so much fun getting dressed up, we're even thinking of a "costume" party next year for Mike's 30th...be prepared, we even have an idea in mind but we're keeping that under wraps until it gets closer.
